Sex Education for Parents
or No, My Wife Is Not Pregnant
One of the latest crazes sweeping the nation for 10 year old girls(1) is having a Purity Ball. Far right evangelical Christians bring their daughters to one of these balls where the father pledges to be a good role model (faithful to the wife, no pornography(2), etc.) and the daughter promises to wait until she's married to have sex. Sounds like a good idea, if a little corny, right? Then you get to the end of the article: 88% of those girls lose their virginity before marriage. So it works! In fact, it works so well that the number of Purity Balls across the county this year is expected to double from last year!
Idiots.
If you're a father concerned about your daughter's willingness to remain a virgin until wed, I have a better solution for you. This summer, I will be hosting the first annual Fugly Ball. I'll be renting the Indianapolis Convention Center for one weekend in July, where eligible young ladies aged 10-14 have the chance to hook up with any of over 1,000 really, really ugly inner-city youths from right here in Indy. Saturday, the maternity ward from Methodist Hospital will be challenging the girls to force a grown watermelon through an everyday garden hose to demonstrate to the girls the joy of pregnancy and childbirth. Sunday we'll be visited by the Indiana Chapter of the NCAA (National Chlamydia Association of America) who will discuss (with visual aids!) just how STDs work and what to do if it hurts when you pee!
This sounds absolutely ridiculous, but let's face it - it would work. Young children don't learn best through smiley faced examples. They learn best when they're afraid. In fact, that's how elementary school used to work! Kids were afraid of failing, afraid of disappointing Mommy/Daddy, afraid of losing recess, afraid of being laughed at, afraid of being sent to the principal, afraid of looking weak, afraid of being a loser. Teachers were empowered enough to use fear as a tactic, and it worked. Nowadays, teachers have to tread lightly to avoid lawsuits for abuse or just to avoid angry parents. It's this erosion of the power of the teacher that has led to the rapid decline of respect for the teacher in the classroom.
Same thing for parents. I'm not saying you should change your policy from "I'm going to count to ten and then I'm coming over there" to "I'm going to count to 2, then beat your ass." But parents who don't use the fear/respect that is owed to the reality of serious issues are only crippling their children's ability to cope with these situations in the future. Your daughter's first chance to have sex isn't going to come at her with the pomp and grandeur of a ball, where dozens of other girls stand behind her to help her stay strong. It's going to come when she's completely alone with someone she cares about. At that age, head-over-heels love comes every other week. So don't make this sex talk a one night stand. Keep an honest, open dialog. As uncomfortable as it might be, talk about safe sex. Better yet, make your wife do it. That's the best thing you can do for her.(3)
Purity Balls sound like great gestures, but when she comes face to face with real balls, are you sure she'll make the right choice?
(1) - If you're not a 10 year old girl, I promise that this story will get better.
(2) - If your 10 year old daughter knows about your porn stash, forget it - she's as good as pregnant. Also, you suck at hiding shit.
(3) - The same goes for male adolescents. Make a few penis jokes and things will go much smoother. [Ha ha, I said "penis."] Remember the words of Liam: "Always wear three condoms. And one on yer head."
Stay young.
or No, My Wife Is Not Pregnant
One of the latest crazes sweeping the nation for 10 year old girls(1) is having a Purity Ball. Far right evangelical Christians bring their daughters to one of these balls where the father pledges to be a good role model (faithful to the wife, no pornography(2), etc.) and the daughter promises to wait until she's married to have sex. Sounds like a good idea, if a little corny, right? Then you get to the end of the article: 88% of those girls lose their virginity before marriage. So it works! In fact, it works so well that the number of Purity Balls across the county this year is expected to double from last year!
Idiots.
If you're a father concerned about your daughter's willingness to remain a virgin until wed, I have a better solution for you. This summer, I will be hosting the first annual Fugly Ball. I'll be renting the Indianapolis Convention Center for one weekend in July, where eligible young ladies aged 10-14 have the chance to hook up with any of over 1,000 really, really ugly inner-city youths from right here in Indy. Saturday, the maternity ward from Methodist Hospital will be challenging the girls to force a grown watermelon through an everyday garden hose to demonstrate to the girls the joy of pregnancy and childbirth. Sunday we'll be visited by the Indiana Chapter of the NCAA (National Chlamydia Association of America) who will discuss (with visual aids!) just how STDs work and what to do if it hurts when you pee!
This sounds absolutely ridiculous, but let's face it - it would work. Young children don't learn best through smiley faced examples. They learn best when they're afraid. In fact, that's how elementary school used to work! Kids were afraid of failing, afraid of disappointing Mommy/Daddy, afraid of losing recess, afraid of being laughed at, afraid of being sent to the principal, afraid of looking weak, afraid of being a loser. Teachers were empowered enough to use fear as a tactic, and it worked. Nowadays, teachers have to tread lightly to avoid lawsuits for abuse or just to avoid angry parents. It's this erosion of the power of the teacher that has led to the rapid decline of respect for the teacher in the classroom.
Same thing for parents. I'm not saying you should change your policy from "I'm going to count to ten and then I'm coming over there" to "I'm going to count to 2, then beat your ass." But parents who don't use the fear/respect that is owed to the reality of serious issues are only crippling their children's ability to cope with these situations in the future. Your daughter's first chance to have sex isn't going to come at her with the pomp and grandeur of a ball, where dozens of other girls stand behind her to help her stay strong. It's going to come when she's completely alone with someone she cares about. At that age, head-over-heels love comes every other week. So don't make this sex talk a one night stand. Keep an honest, open dialog. As uncomfortable as it might be, talk about safe sex. Better yet, make your wife do it. That's the best thing you can do for her.(3)
Purity Balls sound like great gestures, but when she comes face to face with real balls, are you sure she'll make the right choice?
(1) - If you're not a 10 year old girl, I promise that this story will get better.
(2) - If your 10 year old daughter knows about your porn stash, forget it - she's as good as pregnant. Also, you suck at hiding shit.
(3) - The same goes for male adolescents. Make a few penis jokes and things will go much smoother. [Ha ha, I said "penis."] Remember the words of Liam: "Always wear three condoms. And one on yer head."
Stay young.
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