Teenage Mutant Ninja Pussies
or One Worm To Bring Them All, And In Josh's Room Squash Them
In retrospect, the Turtles were the biggest waste of superpower-giving ooze I've ever seen in my life. They only used the full extent of those powers in extreme situations where the world was about to end because of the never-quite-perfect plans of an old Samauri and a walking, talking brain. Once the world was safe from the forces of coolness that Shredder & Co. represented, they went back and had their little gay foursomes and ate pizza. If that's not a waste of ooze, I don't know what is.
Unfortunately, the powers of Evil have found a source of ooze somewhere near my dorm room and bathed small creatures in it that were bred to be a combination between a waxworm and a spider. So now my room is being overrun by 2 inch worms with half-inch legs that come crawling out of different places at totally random times, completely grossing me out and making me wonder what their goals are (besides eventual world domination). Just before the last victim that I squashed died, he whispered of a great horde of brothers and a prophecy of "the coming of the Great Room." Then the last big of brains dripped out of his head and I lit his ass with a match, tossed him out my window, and had a drink to congratulate my victory.
This talk of hordes and prophecies is rather disturbing though. Especially if you read Webster's College Dictionary's second definition of "horde."
How cool must I be if they feel that it will take an entire troop of Asian nomads to kick my ass and take over this room? That must be fear that I smell. I thought it was just the pile of socks.
Luckily, I believe I have honed in on their lair. This weekend, the ultimate battle between Evil and Also Evil will be waged in a small room in the heart of one of the greatest nations on earth. Will the ingenuity of Also Evil be able to overcome the overwhelming numbers of the forces of Evil? Do the forces of Evil have any cards that they haven't played yet?
Only time will tell. In the meantime, time for lunch. Oooh, pizza.
or One Worm To Bring Them All, And In Josh's Room Squash Them
In retrospect, the Turtles were the biggest waste of superpower-giving ooze I've ever seen in my life. They only used the full extent of those powers in extreme situations where the world was about to end because of the never-quite-perfect plans of an old Samauri and a walking, talking brain. Once the world was safe from the forces of coolness that Shredder & Co. represented, they went back and had their little gay foursomes and ate pizza. If that's not a waste of ooze, I don't know what is.
Unfortunately, the powers of Evil have found a source of ooze somewhere near my dorm room and bathed small creatures in it that were bred to be a combination between a waxworm and a spider. So now my room is being overrun by 2 inch worms with half-inch legs that come crawling out of different places at totally random times, completely grossing me out and making me wonder what their goals are (besides eventual world domination). Just before the last victim that I squashed died, he whispered of a great horde of brothers and a prophecy of "the coming of the Great Room." Then the last big of brains dripped out of his head and I lit his ass with a match, tossed him out my window, and had a drink to congratulate my victory.
This talk of hordes and prophecies is rather disturbing though. Especially if you read Webster's College Dictionary's second definition of "horde."
horde (hord), n., v.,
--n. 1. a large group, multitude, or number; crowd. 2. a tribe or troop of Asian nomads
How cool must I be if they feel that it will take an entire troop of Asian nomads to kick my ass and take over this room? That must be fear that I smell. I thought it was just the pile of socks.
Luckily, I believe I have honed in on their lair. This weekend, the ultimate battle between Evil and Also Evil will be waged in a small room in the heart of one of the greatest nations on earth. Will the ingenuity of Also Evil be able to overcome the overwhelming numbers of the forces of Evil? Do the forces of Evil have any cards that they haven't played yet?
Only time will tell. In the meantime, time for lunch. Oooh, pizza.
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