Hell Freezes Over

Associated Press - The well-known way of telling someone that something will never happen is just to tell them that it will happen "when hell freezes over." Well, folks, last night it did.

Scientists first noticed the chill in the ground around 12:45 AM this morning (6/28/02), which was afterwards followed by slight tremors felt the world around and by odd sonic waves that seemed to eminate both from the sky and the ground. "I've never seen anything like it," remarked Stephen Hawking, world-renowned physicist. "Then again, at my age [cough] and in my crippled state, I'm not really sure [hack] if I'm facing you right now. If I had to guess though, I'd say something very momentous had just occured. The sound...angels singing and devils screaming? Who knows? I'm currently checking into the Book of Revelation; however, nothing about the ground getting cold is mentioned, so something big enough to shake both Heaven, Hell, and Earth must have occured." With his own equivalent of a shrug, he added, "Hey, beats the hell out of me. [rattling cough] HEY! Get it? Hell freezing over, and it beats the hell out of me!! Ahaha...[violent coughing fit]...call my doctor, please..." Mr. Hawking was then rushed to the hospital (see page 2 Tragedy).

Hawking wasn't alone in his confusion. A mass panic followed the tremors, marked by people running to the stores for water, candy bars, and (oddly enough) strawberry pies. "This is hard work! I don't want to bag groceries all day! How the hell did Josh [Holewczynski] get the day off? He's probably out having a hell of a time and look at ME!" whined Nic's Handy Super Market employee Brian Meyers, out of New Carlisle, Indiana this morning. Suddenly standing a little straighter he wondered aloud "If hell froze over, does that finally make me cool?" Probably not, Mr. Meyers.

Rumor out of that area is that perhaps one of the most unlikely couples around had finally had their first kiss in the gentleman's truck. This were unconfirmed at the time of print however, and neither party was available for comment. Friends have been mysteriously closed-mouthed about the whole situation, though one (who asked to remain anonymous) remarked, "Be careful tonight (the evening of 6/28/02) [...], more tremors are to follow."

We can only hope. Er...just so we can figure out what's going on...*quick nod*