A little while back, Heaton and I did a little list of the things we learned in high school. It began as a joke - we never thought we'd actually make it to 101. Actually we made it farther, but for the sake of a nice number, I'm going to sacrifice some of my lamer ones. If we seem to have left anything out, just let one of us know. :-D (I should add that some of these are inside jokes and may make no sense to ANYONE else; just assume it's funny. UNLESS it looks serious - we did have a couple serious ones in there.)
101 Things We Learned at NP
1. Fruitopia = life.
2. 2:13 is the best time of day.
3. Pepsi + laughter = severe pain.
4. Never, under any circumstance, ask Mrs. Trujillo about anything.
5. Psycho Miko.
6. Sparknotes.com has saved more lives than anyone alive (or dead) today.
7. Mr. Wade + blood = free time.
8. Two words - Mrs. Louck. Yowza.
9. Joe Smith + geometry = a 4 sided triangle inscribed on your picnic table.
10. As hard as you try, you'll never dress up as a girl well enough to get to see the breast cancer videos in sophomore health.
11. Don't ever ever EVER talk to Danny Ullman.
12. All jokes aside, Mr. Rokosz will honestly never fit into a canoe.
13. Since you'll always get stuck with the guys (since we're guys), don't EVER look at the video that they show in health.
14. Don't mess with the outlets outside the school.
15. Don't mess with Jim's vacuum. Bad things will happen.
16. Yes, the pool leaks. Yes, we just fixed it. Stop asking.
17. Remember to AIM the volleyball in gym, especially when Willy is around.
18. Paradox #1: How do lunchladies get so fat when everything they cook goes through you so fast?
19. Never let go of the baseball bat in gym until it has come to a complete rest.
20. Think the principal has bodies in a back room? Wrong. They're buried in the courtyard.
21. Dragonlady myth revealed: Mrs. Turner turns into a dragon if you stick her in the elevator! Really!
22. No matter how many times they are told, people will still park in front of the school.
23. Our quiz bowl team isn't dumb. We just always give the wrong side of the rigged board to the opponents.
24. Will someone PLEASE get Mr. Wade a football helmet for Christmas?
25. Math class bored me into learning Pi = 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197. And yes that IS from memory. (that's Heaton, not me, lol)
26. Earth science translates into learning about bigfoot while making ice cream.
27. Joe Smith + Ice Cream + Kicking action = Mud puddle.
28. Hamlet got really confusing when Juliet stole Julias Caesar's sword and killed Lady Macbeth. Didn't help that I slept through it.
29. Besides, Juliet was flat.
30. Veggie Tales was not meant for a high school audience.
31. Lighting up is stupid to begin with, but in the school parking lot?
32. We WILL someday discover that water is flammable.
33. One page of notes for the biologoy final can EASILY encompass a year's worth.
34. We WILL someday discover that flushing body parts that have been crapped out to be totally impossible, and all breathe a sigh of relief. And then laugh hysterically.
35. Don't make a teacher cry, or she'll be mean to you the rest of the year. (actually first suggested by someone else)
36. Teaching English, eventually, makes you fat. NP is proof.
37. Niftium = Element #119
38. Hog farms REEK in the spring.
39. The dog noises in the hall are only to make you THINK they're checking lockers. In reality they are playing fetch with your lost chem notes.
40. "Hog Shit High" may be more PC, but "Cow Pie High" just sounds better.
41. Just because it's prom and you look like a stud doesn't mean you can magically dance like a pro.
42. Lunch just seems empty without a good fight.
43. Come rain, sleet, snow, or low-flying Russion bombers, we WILL eat outside.
44. A dumbass, no matter how hard you try to change him, will always think he can make it to school in first gear in a shitty old truck. - AT 55 MPH!
45. Then he will try to sell it for $50.
46. No matter how much they may deny it, you KNOW that someone with a name "Pickett" will be a nose picker.
47. Class is never a good place for a hand job.
48. "Jackass" stunts on WCGR do not amuse administration members.
49. WCGR has no business, nor talent, with top 10s.
50. Matt Smith can fry firewire drives. Even though that is pretty much impossible.
51. We don't call our science facilities outdated, we call them "ripe."
52. Never mind the asbestos. They never proved anything.
53. Even though the floors are tile and the walls concrete, fire drills can save your life.
54. Always bring a workbook with you in tornado drills; it'll stop the cinder blocks from breaking your neck.
55. To quote Don Lawson: "When in doubt, whip it out."
56. Jewish jokes are a bad idea, period.
57. According to Mr. Barnheart, the reason we have insurance is for the runners who can't miss the holes in the track.
58. The most frequently asked question in Bio class: "Where do babies come from?"
59. That question, it seems, has never been answered.
60. Vasectomy = knee surgery.
61. If he's leaning over picking up his pencil for more than a minute, something's prolly wrong.
62. Mr. Spear is the only one that takes evasive action in a crash.
63. Mrs. != Ms.
64. The inner walls of an ancient greek city can also be referred to as "downtown." (Does anyone remember what school we were playing when I said that? I was thinking Niles...)
65. Plan on the NP heating system to work as you wouldn't expect.
66. Imagining the crowd in their underwear is more disturbing than anything else and is not recommended.
67. You can get away with writing the paper the night before, but not the speech.
68. And if you think that speech is tanking/will tank, offer to strip for the crowd.
69. Destroy the bumblebees nest in a dignified manner, else others will assume you're having seizures.
70. Mr. Cronk is an asshole. Period.
71. "No, that's not really a giant penis. It's just an umbrella."
72. No one will ever figure out why only half the seats in the auditorium have tables.
73. The lighting system in the auditorium redifines antique.
74. The Mister New Prairie pageant should go to the gong ringer, not the bozos who actually traipse around looking like fools.
75. Two words: "FOG DELAY"
76. 2 or 20, who gives a ****?
77. Poms = Boobs + Plastic Poofy Things
78. Mr. Curtis isn't fat, he's just...larger than the average Joe.
79. "Spelling? We stopped having that class in elementary, so I thought we didn't need it anymore."
80. Coming up with ways to destroy the planet is a good way to pass the time at lunch.
81. Pepsi, eventually, will kill a bee.
82. Gray is a great color for picnic tables.
83. Cap bouncing will eventually piss off a teacher, who may end up hitting on another member of your group.
84. The more time you spend in school the faster it goes.
85. "Este chupa."
86. College just doesn't have as many idiots. How depressing.
87. Lighthouses are very soothing places.
88. Blowing red lights at 2:30 in the morning is perfectly legal. And a HELL of a lot of fun.
89. Even though Mike Tomes may not live on in the memory of NP, at least his shoes will still be hanging at Cougar and 20.
90. Joe Ruby. Class olympics. Need I say more?
91. Joe Ruby. Need I say more?
92. Weird as it may be, you really can get attached to something named after dandruff.
93. Falling up stairs is not only possible but damn hilarious to see.
94. Mrs. Jones is HOT.
95. If we were all as happy as Alex Murtaugh life would be a lot easier.
96. Pop cans explode violently under heat.
97. No, that's not a giant bug, that's Mrs. Varga.
98. Some people just weren't meant to be teachers. They seem to like to congregate in the same hallways...
99. Reading a book in class is almost guaranteed to ruin any enjoyment you could possibly have gotten out of it if you read it outside of class.
100. Mr. Colbourne = a walking, living, breathing sedative.
101. Prolonged exposure to school makes you attatched to it.
101 Things We Learned at NP
1. Fruitopia = life.
2. 2:13 is the best time of day.
3. Pepsi + laughter = severe pain.
4. Never, under any circumstance, ask Mrs. Trujillo about anything.
5. Psycho Miko.
6. Sparknotes.com has saved more lives than anyone alive (or dead) today.
7. Mr. Wade + blood = free time.
8. Two words - Mrs. Louck. Yowza.
9. Joe Smith + geometry = a 4 sided triangle inscribed on your picnic table.
10. As hard as you try, you'll never dress up as a girl well enough to get to see the breast cancer videos in sophomore health.
11. Don't ever ever EVER talk to Danny Ullman.
12. All jokes aside, Mr. Rokosz will honestly never fit into a canoe.
13. Since you'll always get stuck with the guys (since we're guys), don't EVER look at the video that they show in health.
14. Don't mess with the outlets outside the school.
15. Don't mess with Jim's vacuum. Bad things will happen.
16. Yes, the pool leaks. Yes, we just fixed it. Stop asking.
17. Remember to AIM the volleyball in gym, especially when Willy is around.
18. Paradox #1: How do lunchladies get so fat when everything they cook goes through you so fast?
19. Never let go of the baseball bat in gym until it has come to a complete rest.
20. Think the principal has bodies in a back room? Wrong. They're buried in the courtyard.
21. Dragonlady myth revealed: Mrs. Turner turns into a dragon if you stick her in the elevator! Really!
22. No matter how many times they are told, people will still park in front of the school.
23. Our quiz bowl team isn't dumb. We just always give the wrong side of the rigged board to the opponents.
24. Will someone PLEASE get Mr. Wade a football helmet for Christmas?
25. Math class bored me into learning Pi = 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197. And yes that IS from memory. (that's Heaton, not me, lol)
26. Earth science translates into learning about bigfoot while making ice cream.
27. Joe Smith + Ice Cream + Kicking action = Mud puddle.
28. Hamlet got really confusing when Juliet stole Julias Caesar's sword and killed Lady Macbeth. Didn't help that I slept through it.
29. Besides, Juliet was flat.
30. Veggie Tales was not meant for a high school audience.
31. Lighting up is stupid to begin with, but in the school parking lot?
32. We WILL someday discover that water is flammable.
33. One page of notes for the biologoy final can EASILY encompass a year's worth.
34. We WILL someday discover that flushing body parts that have been crapped out to be totally impossible, and all breathe a sigh of relief. And then laugh hysterically.
35. Don't make a teacher cry, or she'll be mean to you the rest of the year. (actually first suggested by someone else)
36. Teaching English, eventually, makes you fat. NP is proof.
37. Niftium = Element #119
38. Hog farms REEK in the spring.
39. The dog noises in the hall are only to make you THINK they're checking lockers. In reality they are playing fetch with your lost chem notes.
40. "Hog Shit High" may be more PC, but "Cow Pie High" just sounds better.
41. Just because it's prom and you look like a stud doesn't mean you can magically dance like a pro.
42. Lunch just seems empty without a good fight.
43. Come rain, sleet, snow, or low-flying Russion bombers, we WILL eat outside.
44. A dumbass, no matter how hard you try to change him, will always think he can make it to school in first gear in a shitty old truck. - AT 55 MPH!
45. Then he will try to sell it for $50.
46. No matter how much they may deny it, you KNOW that someone with a name "Pickett" will be a nose picker.
47. Class is never a good place for a hand job.
48. "Jackass" stunts on WCGR do not amuse administration members.
49. WCGR has no business, nor talent, with top 10s.
50. Matt Smith can fry firewire drives. Even though that is pretty much impossible.
51. We don't call our science facilities outdated, we call them "ripe."
52. Never mind the asbestos. They never proved anything.
53. Even though the floors are tile and the walls concrete, fire drills can save your life.
54. Always bring a workbook with you in tornado drills; it'll stop the cinder blocks from breaking your neck.
55. To quote Don Lawson: "When in doubt, whip it out."
56. Jewish jokes are a bad idea, period.
57. According to Mr. Barnheart, the reason we have insurance is for the runners who can't miss the holes in the track.
58. The most frequently asked question in Bio class: "Where do babies come from?"
59. That question, it seems, has never been answered.
60. Vasectomy = knee surgery.
61. If he's leaning over picking up his pencil for more than a minute, something's prolly wrong.
62. Mr. Spear is the only one that takes evasive action in a crash.
63. Mrs. != Ms.
64. The inner walls of an ancient greek city can also be referred to as "downtown." (Does anyone remember what school we were playing when I said that? I was thinking Niles...)
65. Plan on the NP heating system to work as you wouldn't expect.
66. Imagining the crowd in their underwear is more disturbing than anything else and is not recommended.
67. You can get away with writing the paper the night before, but not the speech.
68. And if you think that speech is tanking/will tank, offer to strip for the crowd.
69. Destroy the bumblebees nest in a dignified manner, else others will assume you're having seizures.
70. Mr. Cronk is an asshole. Period.
71. "No, that's not really a giant penis. It's just an umbrella."
72. No one will ever figure out why only half the seats in the auditorium have tables.
73. The lighting system in the auditorium redifines antique.
74. The Mister New Prairie pageant should go to the gong ringer, not the bozos who actually traipse around looking like fools.
75. Two words: "FOG DELAY"
76. 2 or 20, who gives a ****?
77. Poms = Boobs + Plastic Poofy Things
78. Mr. Curtis isn't fat, he's just...larger than the average Joe.
79. "Spelling? We stopped having that class in elementary, so I thought we didn't need it anymore."
80. Coming up with ways to destroy the planet is a good way to pass the time at lunch.
81. Pepsi, eventually, will kill a bee.
82. Gray is a great color for picnic tables.
83. Cap bouncing will eventually piss off a teacher, who may end up hitting on another member of your group.
84. The more time you spend in school the faster it goes.
85. "Este chupa."
86. College just doesn't have as many idiots. How depressing.
87. Lighthouses are very soothing places.
88. Blowing red lights at 2:30 in the morning is perfectly legal. And a HELL of a lot of fun.
89. Even though Mike Tomes may not live on in the memory of NP, at least his shoes will still be hanging at Cougar and 20.
90. Joe Ruby. Class olympics. Need I say more?
91. Joe Ruby. Need I say more?
92. Weird as it may be, you really can get attached to something named after dandruff.
93. Falling up stairs is not only possible but damn hilarious to see.
94. Mrs. Jones is HOT.
95. If we were all as happy as Alex Murtaugh life would be a lot easier.
96. Pop cans explode violently under heat.
97. No, that's not a giant bug, that's Mrs. Varga.
98. Some people just weren't meant to be teachers. They seem to like to congregate in the same hallways...
99. Reading a book in class is almost guaranteed to ruin any enjoyment you could possibly have gotten out of it if you read it outside of class.
100. Mr. Colbourne = a walking, living, breathing sedative.
101. Prolonged exposure to school makes you attatched to it.
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