Homeland Security Advises Purchasing Duct-tape

Reported by J. Ho for Holand Press

Indianapolis, IN - Days after raising the level of terror awareness from "Yuh-oh" Yellow to "Oh shit!" Orange, head of the Homeland Security Department Tom Ridge released a list safety precautions that he suggested the general public take into consideration in the ensuing weeks. Ridge's no-nonsense attitude towards the matter ("To be honest with you, I will spend the next six months in a deep underground bunker with my wife and kids, as well as the teddy bear I've had since I was two, Binky. He's such a cutie.") has created substantial amounts of concern across the county.

Canned food and other non-perishable foodstuffs top the list, along with a few toiletries, batteries, and a small radio to listen for announcements in the case of disaster. Toward the end of the list of recommended purchases, however, several items can be found that the average citizen would probably not associate with war preparation. Duct-tape raises the first eyebrows. "Duct-tape," Ridge goes on to explain, "should be used to seal any cracks in exterior windows and doors. Once sealed, it is probably a good idea to wrap yourselves from head to foot (underneath your clothes, of course). Not only do we believe that this will stave off any effects of radiation, but will also allow people to forgo wasting precious water on something as trivial as bathing."

Following the tape was plastic sheeting. The release goes on to use a rather inappropriate reference to the childhood pastime of seran wrapping cars to explain the need for the sheeting. "Remember seran wrapping cars when you were a kid? Remember what a bitch that was to get off? We here at the Homeland Security Office advise you to do the same thing to your home. That's right: your entire home. This should keep any chemical or biological agents from making their way into your home. But in the event that we are proved incorrect in this assumption, please contact your local authorities and give them your symptoms."

Other items, including a Teflon coated spatula, 2 quarts of antifreeze, a 673 piece puzzle, and a baby seal went unexplained. We can only hope he's kidding. The only question this raises was put most eloquently by Indy resident Richard Harrison, who, after leaving a Walmart in the vicinity with a majority of the aforementioned items, asked me "Where in the hell do I find a baby seal?" I can't tell ya Richard. But don't forget to duct-tape it.